Blargh. Insanely long post, sorry.

Still sick. Still coughing and constantly blowing my nose and all sortsa fun stuff.

It's been an interesting couple of days, on which I will elaborate in just a moment. But first a small discussion on my policy of naming people. So far I haven't, and the few people mentioned here other than yours truly (yah, well, it's my blog about me, ya think I'd really talk about others that much? =)) have gone by either their blogger names, like Sponge gal, or dear friend, or roommate-and-then-some. But now the following story will be mainly about the dear friend and the roommate-and-then-some and frankly, just takes a lot of effort to write all that. So initials it is.
Dear friend is X. and roommate-and-then-some is Y. Got it? Good, ok, on with the story. Ye need a bit of background so it'll make more sense. I hope.


Me and X. study the same thing in Freezerville, ie are in the same class. We met when our studies began in September 2003. Turned out our class wass full of wonderful people and we became quite a tight-knit group of 18 teachers of the future. During that year we also naturally met other students from the teacher-education faculty, and in among them was Y.

First year flew by quickly, and one of the girls from our class moves in with a friend of Y.'s, thus the lot of us becoming friends. At some stage of the second year (ie autumn of 2004) X. tells me and another gal that she thinks that Y. is rather cute. Throughout the rest of the year X. and Y. spend more time with each other and become really good friends, though no-one is really sure if they're together or not. Christmas time clarified that, sorta, though in the new year of 2005 if you didn't know, you couldn't guess - they seemed to avoid PDA.

2005 started off rough for X., and she spent a lot of it crying and there are reasons for this, but not really my business to disclose, so I wont. Y. naturally wanted to help her with all of it, but yeah, lots of big issues and hard to know what to do, how to do, when to do.
As spring of 2005 advances, studies end for the year, and X. prepares to go abroad to work for the summer. She's having doubts about herself and Y., feeling that he might be progressing a bit too fast. Y. is planning on going with X.
A bit before it's time for X. to leave, she breaks it off with Y. She's worried that he cares more about her and that she'd be leading him on if he came with her.

Whilst all this I'm in the background somewhere, listening when people want to talk and thus i know all this. No eavsdropping, all the info was volunteered to me =).

Summer of 2005, X. abroad, Y. at home near Freezerville, me at home far away from Freezerville. The couple whom I mentioned in the first line of the second paragraph hold a bbq at their place near Freezerville. I head over, and Y. is there too, long time no see. He's got a new apartment, though due to some mix up there's a spare room which he really has no use for. I'm without a place to live in Freezerville, and thus we agree to become roommates. I instantly inform X., who actually seems happy to hear it, and says it should be a fun year then. Hooray!

Well, uni starts, I move, and the roommateness with Y. begins. X. heads back to Freezerville aswell, and has to stay with us for a couple of days before her tenant clears out of her apartment. The instant she walks in Y. freezes up and clearly wants to run away, and X. is ready to burst into tears.

The next couple of weeks are a teary time for X., and she comes over regularly, declaring that she actually still has feelings for Y., and can't they try again. Y. explains that his feelings have changed, and he doesn't feel that way about her anymore.

I'm still in the background and don't really know what to do. Some odd tension is growing between me and Y., but as there was X. falling apart in front of us, the tension was pushed aside.

One night a whole bunch of us were out and about, and at some stage me and Y. realise we've been holding hands for the majority of the night. Something to be discussed once we get home..

We both know that we shouldn't, that there's more people involved than just the two of us, no matter how nice, right and wonderful even just holding hands felt. We decide not to act upon feelings and control ourselves.

The next couple of days are incredibly shit. Need I remind you that I was still living with Y. and every time I saw him he looked completely heartbroken, quite mirroring my own emotions. I didn't want to be at home, and I didn't want to be anywhere else and life just sucked.

X. came over one more time to see if Y. would get together with her again. She falls apart completely, and neither Y. or I know what to do, and once X. left we went for a long aimless drive to the middle of nowhere, because the walls were seriously caving in. Both of us cursing why life cant be simple, and in unison decide to make it even trickier.

Now with me and Y. feeling and allowing ourselves to feel a whole pile better, there's X. to consider. How to tell her.
How do you fix someone, who's falling completely apart in a very literal sense?
- Probably not by dating the guy of their dreams.

Still, has to be done, a few days later I go over to X.'s place and own up. Decided the least thing I could do is give her home-ground-advantage.

And that, is the basic history.

Since then X. and I have tried to see if the friendship is still there. I've felt guilty as hell, surprise surprise, and decided that whatever comes my way, I'll take it. Throughout the autumn of 2005 I got such a vast array of mixed messages from X. I had no idea what she wanted. She wanted me to tell her everything. She didn't want to hear anything. She didnt want to see me or him, only to call about a week later asking if we could meet. She still came over a couple of times, invited me to her place to watch a movie and talk.
She missed a life-drawing class for her Arts, and I posed for her (she gave me a big ass,but spose that's fair ;))[though this was not guilt-driven, atleast not entirely. Had the air between us been neutral I still would've posed, and perhaps still been depicted with a big ass].
At times she lashed out at me and blamed me for everything that was wrong with her life at the moment, then called the next day to apologise, and the next time to take the apology back as she doesn't have to apologise for how she feels.

And I quite simply just took it. Didn't defend myself though I could've, because didn't think I deserved to say anything back, and was worried that I might make things worse.

So here we are, in Barcelona. The first couple of weeks here we've been together very much 24/7, helping each other out with all sortsa stuff. Told her a few days ago that Y. will be here in three weeks. Ok, good she said. Thankyou for telling me now, maybe I can get all the obsessing out of the way before then.

The next day we had an online conversation for an hour and a half, where she first said that she was a bit upset, and then proceeded with the blaming and the martyrism. Now I was just tired.

Not again.
First I thought, fine blame me. If that what makes you feel better, then do it. Pour shit on me, and I'll hand you the bucket back so you can scoop some more up, just like I've done for the whole autumn.
But then I thought, screw it, I'll speak my mind and we'll see where that goes.

Indeed she was on purpose provoking me hoping to get a reaction. Apparently she couldnt understand how I could claim to care about anyone when nothing seems to touch me. I dont have any emotions according to her.
What can I say, first of all I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, and all this time I just wanted to keep things as easy and painless for her as possible. I let myself be vented on, gladly, if that'll make her feel better.
That has been my main goal in all this.
To make her feel better, which she naturally doesn't belive, but then we've got one or two trust issues to solve I guess.

Anyway, all of this has thus resulted in a cooling-off period. She says that though we'll of course see in school and all, she'd rather keep our lives separate for now. She wants to be friends, but she cant help but feel insanely bitter.
It's a big city, the both of us can fit here.

In case of emergencies we can still naturally call each other, and have to aswell. But yeah.


So this is the baggage I've got with me at the moment.

Y. will be here in less than three weeks, and I cant wait =).

Once again, sorry for the long post, but I guess I just wanted to rant once again, and maybe clarify things for myself also.

Ttfn,
yarr.